The Distressing Shadow Of “I Owe You “
Karen Horney, an author who looked at the world from psychoanalysis, said that ” I owe them” and their tyranny pushed us to pursue idealized versions that would never be satisfied. In this endless race the runner was sentenced to never reach the finish line and to suffer fatigue from a chase that never ends, like that of the shadow itself while the sun rules the sky.
Albert Ellis, looked with cognitive eyes what Karen told from psychoanalysis. Ellis also spoke of “I owe them” and their tyrannical character, of how those irrational ideas put us in the role of judges before others and ourselves.
Look from wherever you look, those who carry the “must” as a flag live under its shadow with the anxiety of obligation. This flag wraps a very dense cloth around the eyes of those who carry it and clouds the figure of others with a cloak of judgments and false beliefs.
The three monsters of tyranny
The FIRST MONSTER are the “must” and “must” that we repeat to ourselves. It is common for us to set goals that are too high to frustrate us when we do not achieve them or to bury an investment that we could not afford to achieve them. We repeat ourselves without realizing how “I must like others or I will end up alone”, “I must succeed or I will be a failure.”
The SECOND MONSTER is what we demand of others. On many occasions we have an idealized vision of friendship or love and we pressure the other person to conform to our tyrannical vision. There are strings that take the form of thoughts like “if my girlfriend really loved me, she would only want me” or “if she really cared about me, she would call me.”
The THIRD MONSTER is the unrealistic expectations we have about the world or life. Thinking that “the world is fair”, “everyone has what they deserve” or that “life should make things easy for us to achieve our goals” are irrational thoughts built on “I owe them”.
The ABC of our mind
When something happens around us, it automatically awakens in us thoughts associated with what has happened. Faced with a specific event, we get excited and react in one way or another based on our deepest thoughts and beliefs.
Let’s take an example, imagine that you have to give a talk in public. You are nervous because it is important and you want to do it well. However, during the chat, you go blank for a moment. In a matter of seconds, a multitude of thoughts pass through your mind.
Would the person react in the same way if he thought “I’m an idiot, he’s being a disaster” or if, on the contrary, he thought “I would have liked it to be perfect but these things happen, surely if I take a break to drink water and calm down I remember again where I was going ”? I let you answer yourself.
From imaginary owe to realistic flexibility
Square minds demand perfection and righteousness while round minds admit failure and conform to reality. When inflexible limits do not allow life to pass through their borders, we end up suffering emotionally and feeling guilt, anxiety or sadness.
If it is our thoughts, “shoulds” and demands that cause us to suffer and not the events themselves , wouldn’t it be easier to change our own gaze instead of changing what happens to us or surrounds us?
