Emotional Loneliness Hurts The Most

Emotional loneliness can be devastating. After all, as we well know, one can be accompanied but feel deeply alone by not experiencing appreciation, attention, reciprocity and that authentic connection that generates calm and well-being. We all need that honest and meaningful support with which to feel part of something or someone we love.

British writer Julian Barnes explained to us in his book Levels of Life that few things can be more painful than unelected loneliness. Thus, according to him there is nothing comparable to the emotional pain that can be experienced when losing someone or when perceiving that that being we love does not correspond to us.

It is a state where little by little we become invisible. Not only for others, not only for that social universe inhabited by individuals who suddenly do not see us or do not appreciate us. The moment others do not see us, we too begin to perceive ourselves as invisible and experience that psychological anguish that leads us to the abyss of depression.

When love (whether at the level of a couple, friendship or between parents and children) is replaced by pain, everything changes. Now, it is necessary to understand one aspect. The fact that someone physically leaves us or withdraws their affection on us is something irreplaceable, but not irreparable. We can all (and must) repair that wounded space by filling it with self-love and in turn, initiating new behaviors.

The emotional loneliness, the unwanted emptiness

These simple portraits represented in themselves the different types of loneliness that human beings experienced in a very specific period of the 20th century. To this day, things have not changed much. However, to those testimonies left by Yates we could undoubtedly add that of our adolescents and of course that of our elderly.

We can have family and feel alone. We can have a partner and feel hopelessly alone. Because unelected social loneliness is painful and even harmful, but emotional loneliness is just as harmful. Let us therefore see what processes usually define this type of experience.

Characteristics of emotional loneliness

Emotional loneliness is experienced by two very specific types of realities. The first is to have lost a loved one, either by death due to breakup. The second type is perceived in people who, even having a family or friendship network, perceive an emotional void. In both cases, the experiences are usually of the same type:

• The interactions maintained with the close environment are not satisfactory.
• The person feels misunderstood, not emotionally validated.
• Some define this feeling as “existential emptiness”. Sometimes they can carry out multiple tasks, even spend the day away from home working, doing things … However, that gap, that impossible to define absence is still present.
• Emotional loneliness generates discomfort and feelings of sadness that instantly alternate with apathy, bad humor and frustration.

• There are times when this experience is distressing, thus sharing the same affective states as depression and anxiety.

How can we combat emotional loneliness?

Coping with and managing emotional loneliness can be more difficult than working with social loneliness. We are not talking about isolation, sometimes, nor do we even have a person with difficulties in terms of their social skills. It is a deeper and more delicate kind of psychological reality.

In these cases it is very convenient to have the help of a professional. After these states, a depressive process that needs to be addressed is often masked. It is not enough to recommend to the person that of “go out and make friends.” It is necessary to deepen, work, refocus, confer relief, support and be able to generate changes.

On the other hand, there are many who consider loneliness as an epidemic that is being established not only in the elderly. Our children and adolescents also suffer that emotional anguish when they perceive that the friendships they establish are not meaningful, and that they do not have that dimension so basic in the human being: trust. Let’s see however what mental approaches and strategies can help us in these cases.

Keys to alleviating the emptiness of emotional loneliness

• Emotional loneliness hurts because it puts us face to face with our greatest fears: emptiness, lack of meaning, existential anguish.
• All fear, all anguish, can and must be faced with new mental approaches and above all, with decisions.
• If we have lost the loved one, we must give way to the acceptance of that reality. It will be time to connect with ourselves and shape a new life plan, a new personal route where we can find new illusions, plans and motivations.

• Likewise, if our environment does not give us affection, reciprocity or trust, perhaps we should rethink the generation of new ties and relationships. In these cases, it is highly recommended to meet people with like-minded tastes. Starting from a common passion or hobby is a way to create more meaningful bonds.
• On the other hand, as revealed by a study carried out at the Center for Cognitive and Social Neuroscience, University of Chicago, people need safe social environments to experience well-being. Therefore, investing resources to surround ourselves with people who offer us security and trust will always pay us back.

To conclude, we can only stress one fact once more: to face emotional loneliness we need psychological help. We must work our psychological architecture, repair damage, strengthen self-esteem and above all, find a purpose in life. As Viktor Frankl told us, when we find meaning in our existence, strengths awaken.