Brothers And Rivals

One of the impossible desires that all human beings must deal with is to have exclusivity in the love of our parents. This is especially true during the first years of life, when they are everything to us.

Siblings are only welcome when we have reached a certain maturity. When we go to school and have taken the first steps on our path to independence.

Before this, a new brother is perceived as the intruder who has come to take away all that was only ours. The worst thing is that many parents do not understand it and end up stoking the fire of resentments that can last a lifetime.

The brothers, those intruders …

Jacques Lacan speaks of that jealousy, sometimes atrocious, that can occur between siblings. In his work “La familia” he alludes to a quote from Las Confesiones, where Saint Augustine comments on an interesting observation:

“On one occasion I saw with my own eyes and observed a little boy prey to jealousy. He still did not know how to speak and was looking, all pale and with a poisonous look, at a brother of his wanting to drink the milk that he suckled from his mother’s breast. “

The scene describes well that primitive confrontation that the boy experiences, when he sees how his brother enjoys his mother’s milk, which he has already been denied. But it’s not just milk that a child is denied when a new sibling arrives. He is also deprived of the attention that was previously only for him, because he is the only one, or the least among several. His place in the world changes and no one asked him whether or not he wanted that to happen.

It is not for nothing that the Bible has recorded that the first crime of humanity occurred between brothers. The reason: jealousy, envy. The Bible never says that Cain was bad. On the contrary, he tilled the land and made offerings to God. But the great heavenly father preferred Abel, the shepherd. That ignited an anger that only found its way out in fratricide.

And it is that sometimes the parents are in charge of festering that wound, which could well heal by itself with minimal care. Parents who compare their children to each other, those who use an obedient child as a tool to manipulate the not so obedient … Those who nurture an insane competition between siblings, give rise to an internal drama that is sometimes impossible to overcome.

Those beloved rivals

Why do some people manage to move from their initial jealousy for siblings to healthy brotherly love, while others are forever enraged in a grudge with no way out? The natural thing is that the rivalry between the brothers appears and, as it usually happens, the important thing is the way in which that conflict is resolved.

It is usual for parents who had great difficulties to have a good relationship with their siblings, feed the fire of rivalry between their children. They are the parents to whom we alluded before: those who create winners and losers within their own family.

But the age factor also counts for a lot. When the little brother arrives before a child can speak and express his disagreement, the rivalry usually takes on a tinge of authentic tragedy.

If the conflict cannot be verbalized, it is most likely that it will turn into an eternal complaint that turns into a deep dissatisfaction and intolerance that cannot define its cause. The child feels prey to a deep injustice, but has no elements to define it as such.

Most likely, all of this will translate into great difficulty relating to peers. Constant aggressiveness, endless “tantrums”, poor school performance and all those signs that suggest that the child is suffering. But when the parents are healthy enough to understand the conflict to which the child is exposed, the resolution can be very different.

Little by little, the little one stops seeing his little brother as a rival and begins to incorporate him into his world as a playmate. If there is enough age difference between the two, he will play to be your protector, your guide. If they are very close in age and have the loving complicity of the parents, the little brother will be seen as a “partner” on the road of life.

Siblings are a gift that enriches life. They provide us with an innumerable list of resources to perform better in the world, to renounce the impossible desire for exclusivity in someone’s love. When we fail to take that step and we perceive them as eternal rivals, the story is another. They increase our insecurity and a certain attitude of going through life competing and wanting to cancel out the different one.

Images courtesy of Si You