I Do Not Fill Gaps, I Do Not Cover Absences, I Do Not Occupy Spaces: I Love

There are those who find their happiness healing wounds, the voids of others. No one can deny that sometimes, it can be comforting to be the balm that heals past storms, the antidote to those bitterness that others left in the heart of the one we love now.

Being that key piece in the day to day of the loved one is important. Now, no one was born to be an everyday crutch, nor a handkerchief of tears, and even less, that potion with which to make people forget an impossible love or a love that hurt.

This does not mean at all that we do not worry about the past of our partners, to know what their shortcomings are, what their internal scars and their hidden demons. We must know, but do not seek to stand up as the hero or heroine who seeks to save and heal all their wounds. It is not your task, it is not your essential responsibility.

Our purpose is to accompany, grow as a couple, contribute and receive, love and be loved. It is to build a project jointly where efforts are shared. Whoever uses the sole purpose of covering voids, filling spaces and healing breaths of sadness, ends up slowly fragmenting … 

Voids of the soul that become abysses of distance in the couple

Have you ever had a partner with these types of characteristics? They are people who demand more than they contribute. At first they tend to captivate because in their eyes, we are like that breath that gives strength to all their needs, strength to their deficiencies, and affection to their emptiness.

If you have lived in your own skin, you will understand what this type of relationship implies. Now, despite the fact that there are many people who fall into them more than once, the first thing we think about is why it happens.

• A person with voids is someone with low self-esteem who needs to assert himself. 
• These types of personalities attract because at the beginning, they make us feel useful, special and important: only we make them happy, only our love makes them happy, makes them forget the past, feel alive …

• At first, a relationship with a high intensity of passion is created. It is a love that needs, but we must not forget that the loves that “are needed also become demanding”
• When someone is full of voids, they are in turn inhabited by insecurities. For this reason, it is common for them to be suspicious, to crave continuous displays of love, which gradually end up becoming a clear emotional blackmail.
• What do we mean when a person has voids? The voids are unresolved wounds from the past. It is helplessness, low self-esteem and a frustration that, far from being resolved, becomes a thrown weapon.

The couple is burdened with the heavy responsibility of healing all these deficiencies …

Your responsibility is not to fill gaps: you deserve to love and be loved

We have pointed this out to you at the beginning and we repeat it again: as a couple, as a person who has offered themselves freely to another, you deserve to love and be loved. Your responsibility is not to heal, it is not to be a daily shelter, or someone who satisfies other people’s needs without taking your own into account.

We are all clear that it is very difficult to control who we fall in love with. It just happens, without hardly looking for it, without intending it, sometimes even without wanting it. Because there are loves that catch and drag like gales that blind us, and although they make us feel alive, they also hurt us.

However, you must be clear about these principles in your day to day:

• Cultivate a mature and conscious love, where both members are able to allow the personal growth of the loved one, at the same time that they promote that of their own couple.
• You are not a wound healer, a void occupant, or a fear-hiding whisperer. You can be a few weeks, a few months … but afterwards, it will no longer be a love, it will be a sentence.
• You support, and deserve to be supported, you care and encourage, and you allow yourself to be cared for and valued every day.
• Love is growth, it is fullness and happiness inscribed in small acts. Without complicity, respect and mutual dedication, love is neither complete nor authentic.

Images Courtesy: Byron Eggenschwiler, Happy Monson